*typin while listenin slowjamz with "the nano"* - yes slowjamz so shut up haha

yes... merille is back to the blog world again and its strange coz im duin it here at school, and yes its coz im bored stiff rite now that im sick of duin assessments thats got short ass due dates.

current mood: confused but not like the usual confusion u get from boredom

iv been thinkin a lot lately, usually just thinkin bout what to think. things such as:

• am i missing sumthin or someone? coz i feel empty most of the time. i dont feel happiness nor sadness.. im like a dead river waitin for a storm to fill me in.
• wts guna happen to me? everythin's been plain lately and thinkin bout wts guna happen next sorta bothers me.
• should i do sumthin about it or just leave it as it is? i usually wait if i know that what im waitin for will come..

is this normal or am i just bein over dramatic about this?!

comments will be very much appreciated..hehe

Farah's Eulogy

Describing her through words wouldnt be enough because a person like her will never have bounds. Its quite amazing how i could still remember clearly how we first met...I didn't have any impressions towards her, only good vibes and the expectation of a well cherished friendship. She was always just a call away when I was home. She made herself available just to make her friends feel cared for. Farah made it a point that she'd be there to literally lend a shoulder. Envied by people because of her versatility, kindness and purity. A type of person that you would not spare to let go.

this year shud be good to me..its started ok but everytime sumthin "ok" happens to me,it always has to be ruined by sum1 that im supposed to respect.i hate it when i get blamed for sumthin i did that i know is right, i hate it when i get told harsh things that i dont even deserve and i hate it when these things wud actually come from the person that im not suppose to hate.fuckin hell...y does she always have to do this to me.she's the one that is supposed to be givin me the love & care that i never had but all i get is a mouthfull of crap.things like "what comes around goes around" as if iv done sumthin so wrong..oh fuckin oath its guna go around her not me.every fuckin time im happy it ends like a snap.my birthday,xmas,new year,chinese new year and yes today...one day she's guna get her own karma.im not being mean or anything,but whenever i get hurt i say things that i do mean n i dont really give a rat's shit.she say things to me as if im a bloody rebel...i just wonder sumtimes,what if i try to be one n show her wt the fuck a rebel is,maybe that way she'll bloody stop buggin me like shit.iv always fuckin tried to be straight just for her to see n be thankful that i aint like others.i never asked anything from her...not a single thing.n the way she compares me to my friends,it seriously sucks the hell out of my soul.she makes me think as if im the fuckin black sheep of everything,that im the girl with 2 big horns stickin out of her head,the fuckin burden of her life that she cudnt wait to get rid off and the daughter that she reckons gives the greatest stress of her oh so hectic life.of all the persons that wud make my life miserable,y does it have to be her?!?!im never guna be the person that she wants me to be coz she wants sum1 who's fuckin perfect n who acts like an angel..im never guna be that.

...i am NEVER guna be sum1 that im NOT just coz sum1 i care for wants me to be...

and if im ever guna change,its coz i want to,not coz some bloody people cudnt compromise. 

correct me if im wrong but if u really wanna know a person pretty well, don't u have to at least try to understand how he/she thinks? the culture that person has plus the good & the bad side,coz no one's perfect ya know...

wt if someone likes u just coz of the perfect facade u have? the purity & physical beauty that u exude? and u dont want to ruin how that person sees u. how r u gunna keep things real then? if u like someone so much,u wud do everythin' just to avoid that someone from gettin turned off by none other than "you"

it blows aye? havin people think that ur bein distant but the truth is u juz can't bear the fact that if they find out who you really are,all that theyve been fantasizin bout will swill down the drain.

so wt u gunna do? pretend til that special someone gets bored coz he/she cudnt open u up or take the risk of keepin it real? even if at the back of ur head u know that u mite end up losin this person...